I am hard of hearing. It’s been like that since I was 30 years old. I remember getting a hearing test at work and being told, “You have the hearing of a 70 year old man”. Well I’m almost 65 years old now, so I’m finally growing into my shoes. I can NOT hear any high pitch noises.

I can’t tell you how many times a family member will hear a sound and say, “What is that noise?” And I will look around like 🤷 What?

Then they will say, “Can You Hear That?”.

“Nope, nothing … I don’t hear a thing.”

“OMG, I can’t believe you don’t hear that.”

My Mom attributes my hearing loss to my Dad taking me out shooting high powered rifles without hearing protection. The Johnson clan has never been keen on safety precautions.

But it’s more likely my hearing loss occurred back in the late 1970’s listening to 8 track tapes in my 1976 Datsun B210 at maximum volume.

Because Boston’s “It’s Been Such a Long Time”,

and Peter Frampton’s, “Do You Feel Like We Do”

Must be listened to at maximum volume.

Those were that days, 70’s Rock. RIP my high frequency hearing.

Anyway I Can’t Hear!!!!

So now with that trip down memory lane complete let’s come back to the present.

Living with cancer.

Scan-xiety. It’s a thing.

One of the by-products of living with colon cancer is handling the anxiety that comes with periodic CT scans. OMG! Those of us in the cancer biz (😂) call it scan-xiety.

Once you’re done with the surgery and then the 6 months of chemo, then you then start with the CT scans. The main areas of concern are the liver and the lungs. CT scans are to detect if the cancer has reoccurred.

Right after the chemo, you have scans every 3 months. Then a year later you go to scans every 6 months. If you can make it 5 years without recurrence you are declared cancer free.

Living with cancer and its aftermath is an emotional rollercoaster ride.

I’ve lived a lifetime of being an introverted, boomer generation, stoic, strong silent, mostly “A” type personality man. “Just Rub a Little Dirt on It”, as my dad would say. I don’t have time to bleed. Never complain. Never ask for help.

But when, you take that stoic, emotionally stunted fat man, and apply a generous helping of Google search colon cancer statistics and Facebook colon cancer survivor stories, you have a recipe for some sleepless nights and foxhole prayers.

You start living your life in 3 month increments. Then if you're lucky, you can begin living your life in 6 month increments. You take vacations and trips and enjoy life as much as possible, but in the background there is always that damn ticking stopwatch counting down, tick,tick,tick,tick.

It sounds like the opening to a 60 Minutes episode in your head. And the closer the time gets, the louder the ticking gets. Until it’s the only thing you can hear. No one else can hear it. But as that CT scan appointment draws near, it’s like a nuclear bomb ticking

TICK TICK TICK TICK TICK.

Then you go and have the CT scan and then wait, and wait, and wait and WAIT and WAIT!!!.

I’ve done this enough to know, the results will hit my patient portal before the scheduled doctor followup. So for the next 3-4 days, I go look at my patient portal every 2 minutes. I’m kidding, 😂. It’s more like every hour.

Then … the results come in and everything is good, and you say a “Thank You” prayer. You feel this heavy cloud over you lift and the sun shines again. You can breathe. You feel thankful but also unworthy of such grace and mercy when you read stories of so many others, some in the prime of life, that were not so lucky.

So last Monday I had my midyear CT scan.

I went through all those same emotions. Worry, dread, feelings of being silently overwhelmed. Calm on the outside but full of fear, scan anxiety, scan-xiety.

Then the results come in, your heartbeat quickens. You close your eyes and bow your head and whisper a pray. You plead, “God …. Please”.

Then you open the document and scan to the bottom ….. “NED", No Evidence of Disease”.

“Praise The Lord O My Soul: And All That Is Within Me, Bless His Holy Name.”

— Psalms 103:1

So that has been my week. Listening to the TICK, TICK, TICK. Looking calm on the outside. I made a career out of doing that. Being scared, then overwhelmed, and then so very grateful and BLESSED.

The doctor says one more 6 month frequency scan next January then we can decrease the CT interval to once a year.

Thank you everyone for your continued prayers and kind words of reassurance.

Thank You Lord God Almighty, from whom all blessing flow.

I feel like celebrating.